Raising teens today is a vastly different experience than it was decades ago. As a play therapist and a mother, I understand that navigating the complex journey of modern-day puberty is as much about emotional support as it is about understanding the physical changes. I’m always curious about what the newest science is telling us about the human body, and I found amazing insight from the book "This Is So Awkward: Modern Puberty Explained" by Cara Natterson, MD, and Vanessa Kroll Bennett; here are key takeaways to help parents support their teens effectively during these "under construction" years.
Understanding Modern Puberty
Recognize the Extended Timeline of Puberty: Puberty starts earlier, much earlier than thought, and lasts longer, with brain development continuing into the late 20s. This impacts decision-making and emotional regulation, which, if you are a parent to a tween or teen, YOU KNOW this to be true!
Incongruent Development: The physical vs. developmental age, many teens look older than they are, leading to unrealistic expectations from adults. Recognize the developmental stage over the physical appearance.
Communication Tips
Embrace Listening Over Talking- Active Listening: Prioritize listening over talking. Create a safe space for your teen to express their thoughts and feelings without judgment.
Humor and Self-Disclosure: Use humor to ease tough conversations. Lighten the mood with self-deprecating humor to ease the tension. Share your own awkward experiences to show empathy and relatability.
Short and Sweet: Meaningful connections don’t always require lengthy discussions. Avoid lecturing: Respect their viewpoints to foster meaningful conversations. Small gestures, like a hug or a wink, can be powerful.
Letting Go of Our Own Puberty Baggage
Avoid Oversharing: Refrain from burdening teens with your past experiences. They don’t care, and it only shows you want to talk at them, not with them.
Managing your mirror- they are not you. Your experience will not be your child.
Focus on Their Journey: Help lighten their emotional load rather than adding to it
Be the Calm: Your main task is to stay regulated and calm in the face of the storm that is puberty.
Emotional Roller Coaster
Emotional Outbursts & Do-Overs: All feelings are welcome, but not all behaviors are acceptable. Everyone makes mistakes. Apologize when you lose your cool, and model how to handle conflicts constructively-avoid matching their anger.
Safe Retreats: When tensions rise, find a safe space to cool down. Encourage your teen to do the same.
Engage the Quiet: Some teens retreat into silence. Find ways to connect on their terms, respecting their need for silence. Identify how to connect based on their interests and engage on their terms.
Navigating Dangerous Situations
Under Construction: Teach strategies for pausing and making better decisions in risky scenarios. Discuss with them their brains are in full construction mode, meaning that thinking through actions takes practice and that mistakes will happen; just let be the more minor, less long-term impacting ones.
Parents: let them make mistakes even though the consequences suck. Learning from small events will often create neuronal pathways to avoid the more significant errors that can happen during the puberty years.
Avoid Morality Judgments: Focus on skill development rather than moralizing their actions.
Slamming Doors: Emotional outbursts, like slamming doors, are part of puberty. Recognize these moments as part of their development and respond calmly.
Hormonal Influences: Understand that mood swings are not just about hormones but also about developing autonomy and identity.
Navigating Friendships
Changing Dynamics: Friendships evolve during puberty. Normalize the shifting nature of relationships as teens explore their identities.
Healthy vs. Unhealthy: Teach your teens the hallmarks of healthy friendships. Focus on values and decision-making rather than criticizing specific friends.
Screen Time and Sleep Habits
Sleep Importance: Emphasize the importance of sleep for growth, mood regulation, and memory consolidation. Use growth as a motivator for sleep- truly you grow most when sleeping regularly.
Digital Balance: Encourage balanced screen time and offline activities. Provide compelling reasons for reducing screen time before bed.
Model healthy digital habits yourself. You can not expect them to do what you say when your behavior says the opposite- this is an excellent way to engage in an unnecessary power struggle.
Maintain Honesty in Uncomfortable Conversations: Handling Tough Topics
Truthfulness: Maintain honesty in uncomfortable conversations to build trust. If you’re unsure, admit it and promise to follow up with accurate information.
Admit Discomfort: It’s okay to acknowledge when you feel uncomfortable discussing certain topics. This takes the elephant out of the room and puts on the same “awkward page” of experience.
Set Boundaries: Let teens know when certain information is private or inappropriate to share. Most importantly, KEEP YOUR WORD when you tell them you won’t share what they discussed with you, even with another parent without consent.
Addressing Peer Influence
Understand Peer Impact: Recognize that peers are neurologically more interesting to teens than adults. This is developmental- don’t take it personally.
Pick Your Moments: Be strategic in delivering advice and avoid taking rejection personally.
Peer Influence: Recognize that teens are neurologically wired to value peer opinions. Provide guidance, but understand they might prioritize peer feedback.
Normalize Changes: Help teens understand that friendship dynamics naturally evolve during puberty. It is rare and exceptional if you are still friends with those you entered school with.
Focus on Values: Discuss family values and decision-making rather than criticizing specific friends. Conversations about what is important to them are critical here. Listen to what is essential and be their guide in the conversation, not the answers.
Building Trust and Independence
Respect Their Privacy: Balance between guiding your teen and respecting their need for privacy. Build mutual trust through open and honest communication.
Empower Decision-Making: Teach skills for better decision-making, like taking a moment to think before acting. This helps in building their independence and self-regulation.
Independence and agency are key developmental goals for teens. They are creating their own identity that is separate from yours.
Mental Health Awareness: Recognizing Mental Health Struggles
Recognizing Signs: Distinguish between typical puberty behaviors and signs of mental health issues. If in doubt, seek professional assessment.
Support Networks: Encourage the value of seeking help and create an environment where asking for support is normalized.
Model Seeking Help: Show that asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
Modern puberty presents unique challenges, but with the right approach, parents can support their teens through these transformative years. "This Is So Awkward" offers a roadmap to help navigate these changes with empathy, honesty, and humor. As a play therapist and mom, I find these strategies invaluable for fostering a supportive and understanding environment for our growing tweens and teens.
Amy’s Book Recommendations:
Dopamine Nation
I’m not sure why but this book has come up multiple times this week both professionally and personally. Dr. Anna Lembke delves into the neuroscience of pain, pleasure, and consumption. She explains the why behind pleasure-seeking behaviors like food, screens, shopping, and risky behaviors. This book is a balance of research and the lived experience of individuals who struggle with balancing their brain chemistry in a consumption/pleasure-driven world.
Scythe 14+
This is a book minimally for teens and I recommend it because it is a book that asks the existential questions that become more frequent as kids move through puberty into young adulthood. Neal Shusterman posits a world where all disease and causes of human death have been eliminated. There is no hunger, lack of employment or resources, and the only way to control the human population is intentional, random elimination. The Scythes are a class of people chosen to purge the population to avoid overpopulation. Chosen at a young age, the Scythes are taken from their environments and trained to perform a critical task of reaping. But can any system, no matter how thoughtfully designed, avoid corruption? What happens when expectations clash with personal morality? Do personal ethics matter in a society largely governed by AI? There are no easy answers in this series and the questions posed are uncomfortable while the story telling and characters are engaging. Content warning: frequent violence, brief sexual content, swearing
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