Before You Give Another Consequence, Ask This Question

Summer of Connection: Week 5 - Behavior Through a Developmental Lens

It was 7:23 AM on a Tuesday, and my kitchen looked like a crime scene. Cereal scattered across the floor, milk pooling under the table, and my six-year-old standing in the middle of it all with that look—you know the one. The defiant, challenging, "what are you going to do about it?" expression that makes your blood pressure spike before you've even had your coffee.

"All right then," I heard myself say. "No screen time today."

The consequence felt swift and fair. Natural, even. Make a mess, lose a privilege. Simple parenting math, right?

Except it didn't work. Not that day, not the next week, and not the fifteenth time I found myself staring at another breakfast disaster, wondering why my perfectly logical consequences weren't creating any lasting change.

Sound familiar?

What Behavior Challenge Brought You Here?

Before we dive deeper, I want you to pause for a moment. Think about the behavior challenge that brought you to this post. Maybe it's the morning meltdowns, the bedtime battles, the sibling conflicts, or the homework wars. Maybe it's the way your child seems to "forget" the same rule over and over again, despite facing the same consequence repeatedly.

Now, here's the question that changed everything for me—and for hundreds of families I've worked with:

What skill is missing? What do they not know?

This simple question shifts us from reaction to curiosity, from punishment to partnership, from seeing our children as defiant to seeing them as developing.

The Story Behind the Behavior

Here's what I wish someone had told me during those cereal-covered mornings: that spilled breakfast wasn't defiance. It was communication.

My child wasn't thinking, "How can I ruin Mom's morning?" He was overwhelmed by the transition from sleep to awake, struggling with the motor planning required to pour cereal without making a mess, and lacking the executive function skills to remember and follow the multi-step morning routine—all while his nervous system was still catching up to being vertical.

When we see behavior as communication about unmet needs rather than willful disobedience, everything changes. Instead of asking "How do I stop this behavior?" we start asking "What is this behavior trying to tell me?" and "What skills does my child need to be successful here?"

Skills, Not Just Rules

Traditional parenting often focuses on compliance: follow the rules, face the consequences. But development-informed parenting recognizes that children aren't small adults who simply choose not to follow rules. They're human beings whose brains won't be fully developed until their mid-twenties, learning complex skills in real-time.

Think about it this way: if your child couldn't ride a bike, you wouldn't give them consequences for falling over. You'd teach them balance, show them how to pedal, run alongside them, and celebrate small improvements. You'd understand that bike-riding is a skill that requires practice, patience, and developmentally appropriate expectations.

The same is true for emotional regulation, social navigation, impulse control, and yes—even pouring cereal without making a mess.

Common Behaviors and the Skills They Require

Let's break down some of those everyday challenges and explore the skills they actually require:

The child who "won't listen" might be missing:

• Auditory processing skills to filter important information from background noise

• Working memory to hold onto multi-step directions

• Executive function skills to transition between activities

• Emotional regulation skills to manage disappointment when activities change

  
  

The child who has meltdowns over small things might be missing:

• Emotional vocabulary to express complex feelings

• Self-awareness of their internal state

• Coping strategies for big emotions

• Sensory processing skills to manage overwhelming input

  
  

The child who hits when angry might be missing:

• Impulse control (which doesn't fully develop until the early twenties)

• Language skills to express frustration

• Problem-solving skills to navigate conflict

• Body awareness and regulation strategies

  
  

The child who "forgets" the same rule repeatedly might be missing:

• Memory consolidation skills

• Attention regulation in stimulating environments

• Understanding of cause and effect

• Intrinsic motivation to follow the rule

  
  

Notice how different this feels from labeling these behaviors as "defiant," "difficult," or "disrespectful"? When we identify the missing skills, we can do something helpful about it.

The Framework: Connect, Understand, Teach, Practice

So how do we move from consequence-giving to skill-building? Here's a simple framework that works:

Connect First- Before we can teach anything, we need to create safety and connection. This might sound like: "I see you're having a hard time with this," or "That seemed really frustrating for you." Connection isn't permissiveness—it's the foundation that makes learning possible.

Understand the Need- Get curious about what's driving the behavior. Ask yourself: What skill might be missing? What need is this behavior trying to meet? Sometimes you can ask your child directly (depending on their age and state), but often you'll need to be a detective, observing patterns and triggers.

Teach the Skill- Once you've identified the missing skill, teach it explicitly. This might involve breaking down the morning routine into steps, practicing deep breathing techniques together, or role-playing how to ask for help when frustrated. Remember: teaching happens best when children are calm and connected, not in the middle of the challenging moment.

Practice Together- Skills require repetition to stick. Create low-stakes opportunities to practice new skills. Maybe it's practicing pouring during a calm afternoon snack time, or doing "breathing practice" during bedtime routine when everyone's relaxed.

When Skills Meet Reality

Let me paint you a picture of how this looks in real life. Remember my breakfast disaster story? Here's how it transformed once I started asking, "What skill is missing?"

Instead of consequences, I got curious. I noticed the spills happened most on school mornings when we were rushing. I realized my son's executive function skills weren't developed enough to manage the complex task of getting cereal while feeling time pressure and managing the transition from sleep to school mode.

So we practiced. During calm weekend mornings, we broke down cereal-pouring into smaller steps. We talked about how his body felt when he was rushing versus when he was calm. We created a visual morning routine that reduced the cognitive load. Most importantly, I adjusted my expectations to match his developmental capacity while still supporting his growth.

The result? Not perfection (let's be real), but significantly fewer breakfast disasters and a child who felt more confident and capable rather than ashamed and defensive.

The Question That Changes Everything

The next time you find yourself reaching for a consequence, pause and ask: "What skill is missing here?"

Maybe your child needs help with brain development tasks:

• Emotional regulation skills for managing disappointment.

• Social skills for navigating peer conflicts

• Executive function skills for managing responsibilities

• Sensory processing skills for handling overwhelming environments

• Communication skills for expressing needs appropriately

This doesn't mean there are never boundaries or that children don't experience natural consequences for their choices. It means we approach discipline as disciples—we see ourselves as guides helping our children develop the skills they need to be successful, connected humans.

Your Invitation This Week

As you move through the next few days, I invite you to become a skill detective. When challenging behaviors arise, pause and wonder: "What skill is my child still learning here?"

Notice how this question changes your internal experience. Does it create more patience? More curiosity? More connection?

Remember, this isn't about being a perfect parent or having a perfectly behaved child. It's about seeing our children's struggles as information rather than defiance, and our role as teachers and supporters rather than judges and punishers.

Your child isn't giving you a hard time—they're having a hard time. And when we meet that hard time with skill-building rather than consequence-giving, we create the conditions for genuine growth, connection, and capability to emerge.

The most beautiful part? As you practice seeing behavior through this developmental lens, you'll likely find your own patience and regulation skills growing, too. Because it turns out, parenting through connection isn't just good for our children—it's transformative for us as well.

What behavior challenge will you approach with curiosity this week?

What skill might be waiting to be discovered and developed?

This post is part of our Summer of Connection series, exploring practical ways to deepen connection with our children while supporting their healthy development. Missed the earlier weeks? You can catch up on all the posts in this series.