Parenting is a journey filled with love, joy, and sometimes, conflicts and mistakes. As a child mental health professional, I understand the transformative power of using the word "and" when addressing these challenges. "And" represents the connection between parent and child, emphasizing relationship repair after conflicts or mistakes. I want to explore with you why relationship repair is invaluable for child development and in the parent-child relationship and how the simple act of using "and" can foster understanding, empathy, and growth. Keeping you connected!
Embracing Connection through "And”
When we use "and" in our interactions with our children, we open the door to a deeper connection. Instead of "but" or "however," which can create a sense of contradiction or negate their feelings, "and" acknowledges their emotions and experiences without judgment. This small language change fosters an environment of openness and understanding, making our children feel heard and valued. It doesn’t change our mind or give in to their request; instead, it opens a door to create mutual understanding and allows you, the parent- to maintain boundaries!
Valuing Emotional Expression
Children, like adults, have a full range of spontaneous, often erratic emotions, and it is essential to honor and validate all of their feelings. Using "and," we encourage emotional expression without shutting down their emotions or dismissing their experiences. This validation supports healthy emotional development and helps children learn to identify and manage their feelings effectively. When a child feels seen and heard, they remain in the cognitive processing part of their brain versus the emotionally reactive one, saving you and them from hours of conflict, tantrums, and misunderstanding.
Repairing After Conflict
Conflicts are a natural part of any relationship, especially the parent-child dynamic. When those conflicts arise, the power of "and" allows us to address the issue while acknowledging the emotions and perspectives of both parties. Providing an opportunity to learn from you and be guided in a healthier direction to an outcome suitable for everyone. This creates a space for resolution and relational repair.
Gary Landreth(renowned play therapist) states, “It is not what happened, rather what you do after what happened,” that matters most in parenting. This process teaches our children that conflicts can be opportunities for growth and understanding rather than sources of division and separateness. When a child feels disconnected, their behaviors tell us so by seeking our attention in not-so-subtle or suitable ways.
Emphasizing Personal Responsibility
Using "and" empowers parents to take responsibility for their actions and words while still addressing the child's feelings and experiences. This accountability model shows children that parents are human, too, and capable of making mistakes. We are not perfect, and we don’t expect them to be either. As a result, children learn that taking responsibility for one's actions is essential to healthy relationships and personal growth.
Being human means fallibility, and we are safe to make mistakes and still belong here.
Strengthening Empathy and Compassion
When parents utilize "and," they demonstrate empathy and compassion towards their child's experiences. This compassionate approach encourages children to develop empathy in return, fostering a deeper bond between parent and child with the ability to mimic this skill in other relationships. Through this empathy, children learn to understand and consider others' feelings, nurturing their emotional intelligence and developing their social-emotional skills.
Building a Secure Attachment
A secure attachment between parent and child is the foundation of healthy human development. When parents use "and" to repair and reconnect after conflicts or mistakes, they reinforce the security of the parent-child relationship. This secure attachment gives children a sense of safety, trust, and emotional stability, positively impacting their overall well-being and development. The “and” lets them know they are both a part of a relationship and independent of it. Thus, setting boundaries or having differences of opinion are favorable traits and ones to be developed and used often.
I wholeheartedly encourage parents to embrace the power of "and" in their parenting journey. It has been an active skill in my relationship with my children almost every day. Using this simple word, we create opportunities for relationship repair, emotional validation, and personal growth and develop a sense of belonging. Acknowledging and honoring both perspectives fosters empathy, compassion, and a deeper bond between parent and child.
Through this compassionate and mindful approach, we build a secure attachment that empowers our children to thrive emotionally and mentally. It is never too late to engage these skills in your parenting. Trust me; they will notice the shift, maybe even give you a side-eye glance, and what follows will be a smile and a more easygoing kid.
Let us embrace the power of "and" and cultivate a relationship with our children grounded in love, understanding, and belief in their limitless potential to grow into amazing adults.
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Photos by Hawthorne House Photography